今天傍晚開始過得特別辛苦...
延續昨晚 Yuki 的反常,今天下午特地帶它到診療所檢察...
" What's the problem?"
" She has not been like herself since last night.... she used to be very hyper but last night till now she's just being too quiet. Doesn't response to her name, not interested in food, just lying down very quietly. I'm not sure whether she has taken some wrong food or her back leg problem. I notice that she's not walking well either."
" I suspect she might be getting a stroke!"
" A stroke?"
我的心開始往下沉...
" She can't walk well right? Seems like her legs are not coordinating?"
" Yes, something like that!"
" It must be something to do with her internal parts, we suggest to do a blood test and will see what the report tells us, but it will cost you some money. Are you ok with it?"
" How much?"
" RM150 for the blood test."
" Ok."
醫生幫她抽血, 總共兩個小罐子裝. 可是抽血過程似乎不怎麼順利....
" Her blood is very thick."
完成后, 醫生幫她打了一支 antibiotics, 給了一些藥丸.
" What should i do now?"
" Take her back, she should be alright. Once we get the report tomorrow we will give you a call. Take these pills 1 day twice, start feeding her this evening. "
" But she's not eating."
" You will have to force feed her. "
" What type of food? Biscuit for sure no right?"
" No biscuit."
" Means buy those can food? How about milk powder?"
" Yes, can. Both also can feed."
" Force feed.........."
上次大狗皮膚發炎需要吃藥,我也沒有強迫性的喂她.... 因為不會. 這次也是...
診療所出來后,Yuki 在車子等我... 買食物... 買牛奶粉... 回公司請徦... 去相館拿照片...
看到上面 Yuki 在車子裡的照片嗎? 我從相館出來后在車子裡拍的! ...........在車子裡拍的....
回到家已經是下午兩點多三點...
忙著沖奶粉給她... 她不喝...
忙著開關頭食物給她.... 她不吃...
她只是躺著... 偶爾頭會抬起來一下...
我哭了.........
因為任我怎麼弄都不是.......
感覺好無助.... 好無能... 好難過...
這不是辦法! 不是辦法啊!!!!!
Call 了電話給他 :
" Yuki is not felling well.... I brought her to the vet just now and the doctor said suspect she might be having a stroke. Now she's not eating or drinking at all. She doesn't show any interest in food... what should i do??"
" Go and buy a strynge and Glucose for her. Pump it into her mouth, you have no choice. I used to do that to my dogs, it works. "
匆匆忙忙的離開家往外去, 得趕緊把東西給買回來... 把大狗放置外頭, 把Yuki繼續躺在原地,瑣在家里...
針筒.... 買到了!
Glucose...... 也到齊了!
回到家,開了門,Yuki 卻不在原地了!
" Yuki!! Yuki!!!"
只知道自己緊張不停的在找.... 客廳... 沙發下... 廚房.... 后尾... 一直到... 廁所... 一個伸手不見五指的地方, 她躲在黑暗中.... 躺著....
把她抱回客廳,開始進行我的喂 Glucose 工作...
偶爾成功... 偶爾失敗... 她顯得無力...
突然感覺上好像自己給她太多壓力...
一下子喂食物...
一下子喂奶粉...
一下子又喂 Glucose...
她會不會和我一樣辛苦.........? 可是又擔心她也許兩天沒進食的無力感... 好無助....
決定了... 讓她輕鬆一下... 跟她又拍了以上趴在地上的照片.... 她無力時的照片.... 咱們一起小睡一陣, 六點再來喂一輪!
她之後突然站了起來... 走出客廳到門口外再躺著....
一直注意她的呼吸.... 顯示, 她 還 活 著 ...........
下午五時許, 他call來慰問情況....
看著門口的她...突然有些不妥... 她開始抽著,抽著...
" She's doesn't look right! She's like kena tarik, tarik like that!"
" You better call the vet and check with them quick!"
" Ok!"
" Can I speak to Dr Ben?"
" Dr Ben is not in. This is Dr Francis here."
" I drop by earlier for my dog check up in regards to the stroke case...."
" I remembered, you need to bring your dog tomorrow morning for another blood test. The lab called in the afternoon and said that the blood we given is not enough for testing. So you bring your dog tomorrow morning at 10am ok?"
" 10 am?"
" You're working?"
" Yes. My dog doesn't look good right now."
" What the problem?"
" She's been staring the whole day. She's like a bit tarik like that? Can I send her to you now?'
" Now? Sure, bring her here if you are worried."
匆忙的抱她上車. 她比前一次顯得更無力了...
醫生連續檢察后....
" She's got stroke."
" Confirm?"
" Yes. It's very fast."
" What should I do now?"
" You have 2 options. Either you admit her and see how's the condition, or you put her to sleep."
" What's are the chances of admiting?"
" Very slim. She's actually suffering."
她繼續躺在診療室裡抽著... 抽著...
我的心也跟著抽著... 抽著....
我們兩個都在面對著相等的痛嗎..........
我很亂... 我心很痛.... 我做不了也不想去做這個決定.... 有誰可以幫幫我? 幫幫我....?????
為什麼他不接電話?
為什麼 call 通電話的他又必須斷線收場?
他 call 回來... 他車被撞.... 他給了我一個決定....
" No point letting her suffer. Up to you."
決定性的步進診所, 開門看到的 Yuki 抽動得更厲害了... 心...很...痛...
" ... put her to sleep."
" Put her to sleep."
" Is she concious right now?"
" No. She is a comma. She doesn't know what's happening to her right now."
" Comma....."
" Ok, wait for a while outside."
" Can i see?"
" You want to see? You sure you can take it?"
" Yes."
" Ok."
一支針筒往下插..... 當時 6:19pm
兩支針筒往下插..... 她眼睛還會眨
三支針筒往下插..... 眼珠定.... 雙腳伸直.... 尾巴向上.... 當時 6:22pm
短短的三分鐘.... 卻像過了好久....
我好辛苦.... 我真的好辛苦....
是我要那支針插下去的.....
是我連那麼一丁點好些的機會都給抹煞的...
是我送她走的...
是我... 是我....
什麼是堅定? 什麼是堅強? 什麼是什麼.... 我已經糢糊了....
我只知道我必須強忍著傷痛... 強忍著悲傷.... 強忍著.... 因為我還得送她上路... 冷靜的送她上路...
" So that's it?"
" Yes."
" What should I do now?"
" You can bring her home, or we can arrange for a burial."
" Where will she be burried?"
" In Shah Alam, there's a rubber estate there."
" For sure she will be burried?"
" Yes, don't worry."
" Coz I heard a lot of cases that dogs will be trown into drain or something like that."
" No we won't, we'll get her burried. There's another dog waiting to be burried too. They will come and pick up tomorrow."
" Ok."
離開之前親了她一下.... 好捨不得.... 捨不得...
離開診所后一直沒回家.... 把車子停在路旁... 放聲大哭吧! 我應得的.....
Call 通電話的他問起.... 和他連續 sms 著...
我說我想變得冷漠, 這樣就可以讓自己好過些...
我想把心跟眼睛都挖掉,才不會一直抽著哭....
他說 : 沒本事愛的人才會這樣子想
我.... 是....
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